Me - as a Garden Statue
This is an altered doll. She’s been painted with copper and then a verdigris patina was applied on top. Her lovely blonde hair now resembles something more like steel wool with copper streaks through it.
This doll symbolizes me, going through chemotherapy. I call her the Garden Statue. Like a statue she just stands passively while the weather takes its toll. She shows a bit of wear and tear but she keeps her thoughts and feelings in her head. She prays in silence. She waits for the rainy season to end.
I’m not complaining or looking for sympathy. The truth is, chemo isn’t so bad. I don’t have nausea. I do have days when I am really tired. But I just go to bed. I tell myself that all the extra resting is a good thing - more time to read, to meditate, to daydream, to sleep. Luckily, I don’t have a “real job” so I can be really flexible. I have lost my hair, yes, except for a strange, persistent crop of short white hairs on my head. I find the little white hairs intriguing. I draw on my eyebrows and use more eyeliner than usual. I wear a wig or a scarf in public. It is a nuisance but it won’t last forever. I look in the mirror and say “You look weird,” but I don’t mean it unkindly.
What I DO chastise myself about is this: I have lost my drive; my motivation. I used to initiate tasks and projects. I used to blog regularly! But since I started chemo at the end of September, I became inert. True, I perform the essential tasks. I respond to invitations. Yet I am slow to initiate new projects. If it is only a temporary loss of motivation, which I think it is, then I can forgive myself for being a garden statue for a short time.
This little art doll just stands and accepts her fate. The medicos pour medications and chemicals into/over her and they x-ray and scan her. It is ultimately for her own good, right?
Six weeks of chemo left.
Thank you for your article. I’ve enjoyed reading it and think you have a lovely writing style. I hope your motivation comes flooding back into your body once peace reigns once more. It sounds like you have a good method for preserving your sanity - good luck to you and I’ll be looking out for more of your writing. Bridget
Stacey, perhaps your psyche is telling you that your just need to ‘be’ rather than ‘do’ at the moment.
Catherine’s thought sounds right. “Being” a garden statue is not the same as being a lazy blob. That little statue exerts tremendous courage and fortitude to stand in one place as rain, darkness, and fierce sun bear down upon her. To me, she is amazingly wise and graceful to conserve her energy.